Diary of a 2 Year Old

Don’t even bother trying to figure them out. They’re miniature versions of us, except they are  certifiably crazy. And yet, we were all 2 at some point and turned out pretty normal – at least I did!

Here is a day in the life of my particular 2 year old, as told by him. (He’s a genius)


Rise and shine, campers! Ten to six already! They’ll be delighted with this lie in, what a treat. They’re gonna love me. I think I’ll celebrate by singing some songs. Let me see now, I know half of Jingle Bells – who says that’s just for Christmas? Not me – most of the Seaside song…. I do love a bit of You Are My Sunshine… but I think we need a bit of the Wheels on the Bus. Especially the verse where they sing about the baby crying…best verse ever. Loudest voice, and off we go.


Oh wow what a great singer I am. Sometimes I don’t even know the words so I just make up my own but man, that song about the bus is such a classic. I’ll sing it again!


Hmm what’s that smell? Oh well not to worry. One of them will be along soon to clean me up. Maybe if I jump on the bed a bit it will make it more fun to clean up. Come on Sniffy, jump with me! We can sing and jump all at the same time!


Oh Sniffy, you’re the best friend a 2 year old could have. Let me hug you so hard your stuffing will almost fall out. Funny how neither Mama or Dada have appeared yet, they’re probably crying into their pillows with happiness at such a great lie in. Let’s go and see how happy they are to see us! We can press our faces right up into theirs, it’s so much fun when we do that when they’re pretending to be asleep. Anyway, I need a drink of water. Are you thirsty Sniffy?


Morning Mama! Morning Dada! Hang on, it doesn’t seem like you can hear me, let me get a bit closer –



All clean again! Mamas are so handy. I was right about all that extra jumping helping matters. She’s definitely awake now. Breakfast time! But first I’ll play a game of saying I want to wear my Thomas the Tank Engine slippers when really I have no intention of wearing them. I think she loves that game.


I was right, that slipper game was the best.

I think she’s making that white gloopy stuff for breakfast – oh I love that stuff. It goes great in my hair and makes my whole face really soft when I smear it all over.

Mama! Spoon!

I love when I ask for a spoon and only hold it in one hand while I feed my face porridge with my other hand. Isn’t that what spoons are for?!


Oh look! A crayon! What can I do with this? So many possibilities. There are two lovely little holes in my face at the end of my nose where I love to shove crayons. And any other item that fits. I know a wall or two that can do with some decent artwork though, I know Mama loves when I try to decorate things with crayons for her. Especially the cream couch. But come on, they asked for that one really. A cream couch! LOL.


Mama looks pretty tired although I can’t imagine why. The day is so young! Wait! We’re going to the park! I love the swings! And the slide! And the swings again! And then when I get back into the swing I usually decide I want to be back on the slide RIGHT THIS MOMENT. NO I DO NOT WANT ONE MORE SWING EVEN THOUGH I LITERALLY JUST GOT BACK HERE! SLIDE! SLIIIIIDE!

Ok no I don’t want to slide any more.



Mama wants us to go for a walk. If I didn’t know better I’d think she was trying to tire me out. Bahahahahahahahahaha silly Mama.


We’re going to visit Nana and Grandad! YAAAY! I LOVE NANA AND GRANDAD! Nana and Grandad seem besotted with me so Grandad brings me around the house and lets me press loads of buttons on things. He lets me sit in his car and press all the buttons there too. Nana sings lots of songs and reads me books and whenever Nana tells me to do something,  I do it! First time too, she doesn’t even have to issue any threats like Mama does! Nana really needs to tell Mama how she gets me to do that for her.


Lunch time yaaaay! Sometimes I eat it and sometimes I don’t. I like to keep Mama guessing. Like that time I made it look like I LOVED bananas so she put bananas in lots of stuff for me but then I decided I hated them so I just stopped eating them. Good times. Or sometimes it just depends on what bowl Mama puts stuff in. I can’t believe the standards of this place sometimes. Imagine expecting someone to eat something out of a red bowl?!?


I’m feeling pretty sleepy now but they needn’t think I’m going down for a nap without a fight. Although it would be nice to catch up with Sniffy, I’ve so much to tell him. Maybe I will go to sleep for a little while after all. But not without a fight! I think I’ll pretend I’m not tired by crying really loudly any time someone looks at me.


Oh no! They tricked me into sleeping again. Sometimes they do get the better of me, but I don’t let them feel too smug about it for long. Anyway,  I have a baby brother now, so when they’re not looking I’m busy teaching him all the tricks of the trade for when he gets to my age. Me and Alex are going to have so much fun! I love Alex.  I like giving him hugs and kisses with my germ-ridden hands and my snotty face! Snots are so funny! I like pulling them out of my nose and rubbing them all over Mama’s clothes. Her face goes a funny colour, oh it’s just so funny! Dada laughs too although he pretends like he isn’t, but I know he is really!


Oh look! A crayon! I bet this would fit perfectly up Alex’s nose! I better go and see if it fits.


Mama is making dinner. Time to take everything out of the fridge when she’s not looking! That’s one of my favourite games. Sometimes Mama lets me stand on my chair beside her at the counter and help her. I’m such a good help! I know how to reach all the things that make the most mess. Sometimes I help Mama by pouring stuff on the floor and then I like to roll in it.


Mama needs to use the bathroom. I like to follow her in there and ask what everything is. I know she likes the company and I ask so many questions about what she’s doing. Then I like to put on the taps cos I can reach them now! I love washing my hands and splashing lots of water and helping her use lots of tissue so I unravel it all for her. My favourite bit is when she presses the button and all the water gushes into that big weird seat! It’s very mysterious. Sniffy and I wonder about that a lot, so one day I decided to send Sniffy in there to see what actually happens. Mama didn’t seem too pleased and I didn’t see Sniffy for ages afterwards because he had to lie for a long time on the radiator but at least he was nice and warm after his swim.


Alex made a mess of his own. Mama is cleaning him up so it’s time to see how far I can jump off the couch – oh look! Mama’s phone! I know just how to press the buttons on this. Sometimes I press them too much and then nobody can use the phone at all for ages! Oh it’s so much fun!


Time to ask Mama what she’s doing again. I like to ask this a lot. Sometimes I might ask ‘Mama? Ah-doing?’ and when she answers, I’ll ask it straight away again. Just in case she’s doing something different. She’s not. But it’s best to check every 2 minutes, to be on the safe side. I hate missing out on stuff.

OH WAIT! I HEAR A VAN! NEE-NAW NEE-NAW! Even though Mama says that’s not the sound a van makes, I don’t care! I love vans. And fire engines! AND TRACTORS! But most of all I like trains! Percy is my favourite. Mama loves watching Thomas with me! Sometimes I make her put it on and rewind it again and again so I can see my favourite bit! AGAIN MAMA!  I heard her tell Dada that she knows all the words by now and sometimes even dreams about trains for the three hours a day she does get to sleep. She’s so lucky to have me to help her!


DINNER TIME! Oh I love dinner time. Especially when there’s dip to dip all the food into. I’ll eat stuff if it has dip on it. It’s funny how almost everything is called chips though, I need to figure that one out. But I do love chips so I’ll always eat them! Mama calls everything chips and I trust her because she would never just tell me that to get me to eat stuff. Sometimes chips are green and they don’t taste as nice but I dip them into my dip and I eat them anyway. I love dip! Mama says Sniffy eats all his chips too. I love Sniffy!


Oh Goodness, Mama is so silly. We were playing Peekaboo and I had the best hiding place EVER in the middle of the room with my hands over my eyes – and she STILL couldn’t find me! I gave her such a fright when I shouted PEEKOOO and she finally found where I was hiding! Oh it was so funny! You’d think she’d know my hiding place but she never figures it out! I’m such a genius!


DADA IS HOME! Mama looks very relieved. I’ve no idea why – today was so much fun! Now that Dada is home, I don’t want Mama to do anything for me for the rest of the night! Dada is my hero. He swings me around and throws me on things. I think I heard Mama shouting JESUS CHRIST once but I was laughing so hard she might have said something else! Dada is the best fun!


Time for bed! I don’t want to go to bed, so I start to shout a lot. They said I didn’t have to go to bed, but then I wouldn’t get to brush my teeth with my Thomas toothpaste. I love that Thomas toothpaste! They squeeze it on to my penguin toothbrush and it tastes so nice! Mama tells me not to eat the toothpaste but I do it anyway. Then I ask what everything in the bathroom is 20 times just in case I forget. I also want to know what it does and why it’s there. Then we get Sniffy and get into bed. Mama thinks I’m almost asleep but then I remember I need another drink! Then she thinks I’m almost asleep again but then Sniffy needs a drink! After all that drinking I need a song to celebrate so Mama sings another song. She hasn’t got a great voice so I help her. Just as Mama is leaving the room I remember that I have to tell her another story! And then we sing another song. Mama almost leaves the room but then my mouth feels like sandpaper because it’s 20 seconds since I last had a drink and I need another drink of water! After a while I forget what it is I want and I’m quite sleepy now anyway so I cuddle into Sniffy who gives the best hugs and say ‘night night Mama, I love-oo’ and as Mama closes the door I hear her blow me a kiss and say she loves me too.






The Toddler and the Newborn

I have a theory that when you have a baby, it’s natural to wonder SWEET JESUS WHAT WAS I THINKING repeatedly during the labour and birth, directly after the labour and birth, the first week when you’ve had about one hour sleep in total and can’t really move without pain…in fact pretty much all the time for the first six weeks or so. Yes, of course, the good far outweighs the bad – the moment you first see the baby and get to hold them – two moments of my life that make me so unbelievably proud and grateful, and teary just remembering them. The first time the Toddler met the Newborn.. heart melted! But getting back to my theory – somehow your brain makes you forget why you kept repeating that line. Was it really that bad/painful/tiring? (YES.) But it’s a good thing really cos otherwise we’d probably be extinct by now.

But, sweetness and light aside, it is really kind of hard! And that was just with one. I’ll admit it, I was petrified of how I was going to cope with the toddler with a newborn thrown into the mix. Terrified! It was beyond me how people had 3 or 4 or even more kids! It still is. Or twins!! Just, how??

Our beautiful little Alex was born 12 weeks ago today, making Rian a Big Brother. A role he takes very seriously by administering as many ‘Ayxx kiss’ kisses and ‘Ayxx huggy’ hugs as often as possible. It’s very sweet. A thought I need to think a lot during a typical day with a Toddler and a Newborn.

Now, thankfully, I get paid for a good chunk of my maternity leave so we can still afford to have Rian with the (amazing) childminders. This gives me time to spend and bond with Alex and also keeps Rian in his own routine, which works for us all. However, for the days when I’m manning the ship alone with them both…well lets just say there are more relaxing days you could have.

It’s interesting how your brain sort of divides into two. One half stays in toddler mode and the other develops a newborn mode. Things like – is it feed time?  Have you had your tummy time today? Did I give you that vitamin D dose yet today? While on team toddler you’re trying to keep them endlessly entertained and you’re saying things like ‘No you cannot play with that sharp knife. Because you could take your eye out. Because knives are not for playing with. Where did you even get that knife anyway?!’ Before finally managing to distract him into making you more wooden  fried eggs on little wooden slices of toast from his little wooden toaster.

Distraction is key and it’s a skill you need to learn with a toddler – pronto. Toddlers basically spend their days finding new ways to maybe kill themselves, such as finding the knife drawer, trying to swing out of the stair gate, and launching themselves off couches. Maybe that’s just my toddler but I suspect not. And when you try and make them see that these are perhaps not wise choices, well, good luck. Cue the meltdowns. So it is essential to have distraction backups at all times on standby.

And as for going anywhere..! Remember the day you had to go somewhere and you just got up, put on your jacket, and went? Me too. Now it’s a military operation of lining up bottles and non spill toddler cups, snacks and bibs, spare baby grows and spare clothes, nappies for kid 1 and nappies for kid 2. Now, how shall one transport kid 1 and kid 2? Commence buggy packing into car, then buggy assembling out of car.  Honestly you’re wrecked before you even get to wherever you are going.

Things I think in a typical day of Toddler and Newborn management include things like:

  • How did that get there?
  • What the hell is that smell?
  • Why is this wet?
  • What did you just do?
  • Why did you just do that?
  • Pick that up/Put that down
  • Where the hell are the wipes?
  • What the hell is this on my nice clean jeans?

That last point brings me onto another highlight of this experience. Bodily fluids. There’s nothing that I can’t face now. I can confirm that within the last 12 weeks I have been covered in puke, pee and poo ALL AT THE SAME TIME. The 3 P’s. Fun! But now I barely bat an eyelid. Somehow I’m programmed to still gaze into the culprit’s eyes lovingly and wonder how they got to be so perfect. It’s a very clever trick when you think about it.



This blog post was brought to you by my little typing assistant, Alex

And the guilts just double really. If I have Rian here all day, I have no time for Alex. When Rian goes to his childminders, I spend the day thinking about him and wishing he was here. I also spend a good chunk of my days wondering am I doing it all right. I thought I’d be a pro this time around seeing as I already produced the toddler, but not so. He’s so different that I may as well be a newbie again. Sometimes it’s a bit like I’m starring in my own show of Spinning Plates… just as you get one up and spinning steadily, the other one wobbles and you spend your day running back and forth between them keeping the show going.

I used to wonder and worry a bit in case I didn’t love this baby as much as the last. That sounds ridiculous I know, but honestly, Rian means absolutely everything, I just couldn’t see how it was possible to love anything as much. But what happens is amazing – the love I have for him just basically doubled up the minute we knew Alex existed, like a blanket big enough to wrap them both up in. I used to secretly wonder if every parent secretly preferred their first born – although I am a first born so you can see why this would be the case, clearly I am amazing… – but for me, no, they’re both as amazing as each other. Two very different babies so far, two different little people both amazing in their own right. How lucky we are to have them! They’re our little miracles, that’s all there is to it.

So yes, some days make me cry with frustration and tiredness, and shout at Gavin (sorry Gavin), and I doubt myself at least 80% of the day but what a fun adventure we’re on! I know it will go too fast and some day I’ll be begging them to take their old decrepit mother out for the day and spoon feed me stuff and you never know, I might get my revenge in the bodily fluid department too.


The Toddler and the Newborn

For lots of fantastic advice and inspiration for dealing with your own toddler and newborn, why not check out this amazing blog run by the lovely Zoe Withers at ThinkBaby.org. You could start here by reading this great post about finding the safest co sleeping baby beds – here