Oops I Did It Again

I know. Yes, I know. I said to myself.. I’ll definitely keep this blog going. And I didn’t.  But God loves a trier (tryer? Neither of them look right) so I’ll try again to keep this going!

So, recap. It’s 2015 and my last post was over a year ago when we found out that our IVF worked. I fully intended to blog about pregnancy and I nearly did too!

I thought that getting pregnant was the hard part. Well in fairness to me it was quite the challenge! But I mean that I thought now that I was finally pregnant that the hardest bit was over. 

Em, no.

I had earthy woman type visions of yoga with a bump and breathing and glowy complexions and casually strolling around shops oohing and aahing over cute baby things. Well ok the last bit came true but replace casually with awkwardly and strolling with waddling, and it’s more accurate. 

The thing was that it took me ages to settle into it or to even trust it! This was a shock in a way. I had thought once I saw those two lines my days of worry and stress would be a thing of the past. And they were in one sense, but I think because it took us so long to get to that point my brain was still on standby to expect bad news. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy, but just wary-happy! 

Then the nausea kicked in. Ok so loads of women get morning sickness, I sympathised with plenty of them before..oh you poor thing etc etc but I never really thought too much about it. IT IS HORRIFIC. Think of your worst hangover ever. Then multiply it by 100. It’s a bit like that. You know when you know you’re going to throw up, and that bit right before you do..the worst bit…it was that feeling TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY. The thing about a hangover is that it goes away and you can lie on various things until it passes. Not with ‘Morning’ sickness. Oh no. With morning sickness you still have to function day to day and sit on trains that rock from side to side with people who wear strong perfumes and aftershaves, and work all day with people who eat disgusting things like bananas and ham sandwiches. And for the record, whoever named it morning sickness hadn’t a fucking clue what he was talking about. 

The thing was, I felt like I was doing it wrong. I had pictured me as the picture of happiness. Finally pregnant. Look what we went through to get here! So shut your whingy mouth and suck it up. This is what you fought for so your complaints are hereby null and void. Not only that but I felt I had no right to complain. So I tried not to.  I was going to blog about my happy pregnancy but I thought I’ll wait til this bit passes when I can function again. 

17 weeks later and my days consisted of getting through work and commute somehow then  finally getting home and lying down through the nausea. I literally couldn’t function anything other than the absolute necessary. How. The. Fuck do women do this more than once?! Then the guilt would kick in and I’d give out out to myself for even thinking it, I mean I was annoyed with myself. How lucky we were to be where we were! And I knew we were. 

Please don’t get me wrong, I was so grateful the whole time. It was just that I felt I had no right to be finding the pregnancy hard because of the IVF, but the truth is that it is damn hard. Women really do rule the world!

Thankfully after the nausea went things did get easier and I began to enjoy it more. Our first scan…seeing that little blob with the heartbeat flickering away, I will never forget. Never. There were tears.  I kept thinking…you are growing a human! There’s a person in there! There’s a foot in your belly! It’s nothing short of amazing. 

The day I first felt movement…like little fluttery bubbles popping in my belly. I was on the train to work and it was a lovely sunny morning and I sat there holding my belly with a big grin. I must have looked like some sort of deranged Santa. 

The first kick! Weeeeeiiiird. A person just kicked me from inside me. Oh god there’s a person in there. And I’ve to get it out…..! Eek. 

That awkward look from people on the bus. Is she fat or pregnant?  (Both!) Better not risk it. 

That awkward avoidance from people on the bus. Pretend you didn’t see her mahoosive bump and you can avoid standing up. This was interesting. For ages I didn’t mind cos I didn’t feel I needed a seat. Towards the end though I would have paid someone for a seat. I only ever got offered them by women. Women rule. 

Last day of work. Glee! No more trains and buses! Pregna-commuting is damn hard. I finished work 2 weeks before my due date of October 28. My days consisted of lie ins and movie watching and waddling and using bump as a handy built in tray for my iPad. Sometimes it would fall off when bump decided he didn’t want to be a tray and wanted to have a silent disco and a foot shape produded out of my belly. Me and bump had good times. But I kind of wanted my body back. It’s like you rent yourself out for 9 months and you lose control of a lot of things. Like putting on socks. And other bodily things. 

2am November 2nd. Something feels weird. It’ll prob be grand. 6am Nov 2nd. Nope, something definitely feels weird. Get thee to thy hospital!

November 3rd 2014 – after a very long and tiring and let’s face it, quite ouchy sort of time, ending in an emergency section (I’ll spare you the details), at 22.22 our precious bump transformed into our amazing miracle son Rian, and a whole new venture began!  

I’m a Mam.

Love is. 

  

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