“The best and most beautiful
things in the world
cannot be seen or even touched
they must be felt with the heart”
~A letter to my sons~
Sometimes I wonder about what you’ll be like as grown men. Will you get married, will you have kids? Will you achieve all you want, will you be doing what you love? How will you describe me to people when you’re telling someone about what sort of mother you had when you were growing up?
I have a clear memory of a realisation hitting me while I was pregnant for the first time. I’m going to be someone’s Mother. It felt like a huge, and very scary change was coming straight for me! And it did.
I loved you each with such force from the second I knew you existed. It’s amazing but kind of scary sometimes too, because I’ll always be a bit afraid of something harming you or hurting you… and I’ll always do whatever it takes to protect you. But whatever happens one thing you can always know as sure as anything, is just how much I love you.
I say it to you all the time, you know it off by heart: ‘…more than all the twinkly stars.’ ‘How many twinkly stars are there?’ ‘Too many to count them Mam’.
But do you know what that actually means?
I Love You means you will keep us awake for hours on end night after night, through no fault of your own other than you’re a hungry newborn, or a tooth-growing drool machine, or just a complete messer who doesn’t want to sleep for no reason at all…! It means, when you both march in at ungodly hours on a Sunday morning to cuddle, which usually descends to jumping on us and singing songs when we should all be having a Sunday lie in…it means I will still laugh with you anyway and cuddle you and shower you with kisses despite wishing maybe just for once I could swap you out for a full night of sleep!
I Love You means you can refuse to eat dinners so carefully prepared, you can shout and cry and scream just because the toast was cut the wrong way, you can spill things and puke all over me, you can just be your typical toddler self, screaming one minute and laughing and being adorable the next but I’ll just love you more.
I Love You means you can fill my heart with happiness just by looking at me with a smile, or by asking me to read you a story, by cuddling in under the covers and by showing me the ‘really good stick’ with absolute pride and joy when we go for one of our walks.
I Love You means you can show me how to feel absolute pride when you show kindness towards eachother, to us, to other people. It means sheer happiness when I hear you laugh and play together and it means I wonder yet again just how we got so lucky in the first place.
I Love You means I can’t wait to watch you grow up, but it also means that I wish it could go a bit slower too. It means that you mean the world to me, so much so I wish it wasn’t flying by so fast already! There might be times when you want it to go faster so you can get going on all the exciting things you’ll get to do, but I’ll secretly be wishing the opposite because I’ll always just want more time with you.
I Love You means you can always tell me anything. It doesn’t matter what it is. Whether it’s something that makes you sad or hurt or if it’s something that makes you ecstatically happy, I Love You means you can tell me all about it and I will just love you more because of it.
I Love You means you can always come to me, and your dad too, with whatever might be troubling you, because as much as I want to I won’t always be able to protect you from everything and there’ll be times you feel upset or hurt, or disappointed or angry. But it means we’re always, always on your side, no matter what. It means that even if I’m not physically there, I’ll be with you every other way possible, in your heart and you’ll be in mine too, always and no matter what.
I Love You means I will always, always do my absolute best for you. My best to teach you all I can, my best to show you how to be all you want to be, my best to be a role model so you can learn how to be your own person, know your own mind, stand up for yourself and also for those who may not be able to stand up for themselves. To be brave in heart and strong in mind and treat people with respect, always.
I Love You means… just that. I love you both so much, and don’t ever forget it.